December 18, 2005

What Happens In The Men's Locker Room

Morning Workout
Main Set: 3 x 400m

Random Comments: Because of some schedule juggling we did this week, we didn't really have a set work-out to do this morning. Which was nice in a 'no pressure' sort of way. We dilly-dallied around Cat's place until about 10am and then went to the gym for an easy, short swim. Which was then followed by eating, shopping and movie watching while eating. Now it's almost time for dinner - eating again. I love the off-days!


As you know, Catherine and I got a free two-week trial membership at the Sports Club LA - perhaps the most high-fallutin' gym in LA for the masses (My mom asked me if I saw any celebrities there, but the fact is that celebs are smart enough to go to the smaller, more intimate gyms or, better yet, get their own damn trainer and not have to deal with all us riff-raff.) This mornings workout was really a scam. We didn't go to the gym to workout as much as to people watch and soak up all the bewildering stories our little brains can handle. And bewildered we were...

I've talked in the past about the horrid joy I get as a member of the local YMCA. The Y members are pretty much old and decrepit, the main workout room resembles the early bird special on an old-timers "stay healthy" cruise, and the men's locker room is home to such vile sounds and activities that I've got to keep laughing in order to avoid the overwhelming disgust. The past week at Sports Club LA has showed me a different world - a much cleaner, prettier world that can be experienced at a gym. Or so I thought. The experiences I had this morning had me longing for my sickishly antiquated friends at the Y.

There's something about a sauna that brings out the crazy in people. I'm not saying the sauna will make you crazy - but if you're already crazy, it'll make you crazier. When I walked in the sauna this morning, there was only one other person in there, sitting in the corner reading something or other, I couldn't quite figure out what. Understanding saun-etiquette, I took a seat on the other side of the room, grabbed the section from the newspaper that was sitting there and began to read, waiting for the sweat to start a-drippin'. It wasn't but two or three minutes in when Cornerman abruptly bellows a "oh yeah, baby!!" This can't be happening, I think to myself. I look over, expecting an explanation - at the very least a raise of the eyebrows and shrug of the shoulder - but I got nary a gaze. So, marking this one down as a clearly uncontrollable burst of Tourettes, I put my head down and continued my reading. And that was when the moaning started. "Oooohhhh." "Aaaaaaaah" "Mmmmmm." And the grunts. "Unh." "Arh." "Uuf." It was like the soundtrack to a bad porno. And let me tell you, sharing a very hot sauna with a stranger, with nothing but a towel separating your manlihood from the stifling air, is not exactly the place you want to hear the mutterings of a bad porno. Or even a good one, for that matter. I glanced over at the gentleman once again to see what the hell was going on and, at the very least, throw out the "you're being very annoying, crazy man" look. And for good measure, I also threw in the "if you would please shut the fuck up, it would stop scaring the bejesus out of my sweating tired body" look. I wanted to make sure I got my point across. Once again, he didn't look up from whatever he was reading. Which made me really wonder what the hell he was reading.

It was just about that point that the door opened and two elderly gents walk in, both wrapped in towels. The elder of the fellows sits down next to me, while the other Kojak looking fellow reaches over me and grabs the section of the paper laying at my side. Interesting, I think. He probably wants to read that and just doesn't feel like asking whether I'm done. No problem. I'll let him read it and then I'll browse through it when he's finished. Imagine my surprise when he places the paper on the ground, turns around with his back facing me and stands right on the newspaper. Wait a minute here! He took my comic section as a sauna floor mat and is taunting me with it!! I was about to say something when suddenly he took off his towel and, standing buck naked as the day he was born, threw the towel on to the bench behind him. So here I am sitting in the sauna minding my own beeswax - I've got crazy guy moaning wildly in the corner amidst his sudden outbursts of "Oh yeah's" and "Yeah baby's" and fat, hairy naked guy in front of me, his butt just a foot or two away, standing on my comic section. That was when he started doing the side bends. You know, leaning to one side and then the other and back and forth, with all of his business just flappin' around like it just don't care. "You're still doing those?" the older gent inquires of naked fat flapping guy. "Never will stop," says naked man. I come to find that he spends one hour in the sauna every single day, where he does 2500 naked sidebends and a few pushups. Once I heard the word "pushups" that was my cue. Clearly I couldn't stick around for the naked pushups, and, truth be told, I was kinda nervous what else this sauna trip would bring, so I decided to get up and leave.

I had a quick shower and walked towards the mirror to comb my hair. As I'm walking, I glance to my left and see a gentleman, about 60 years old, leaning against the wall. It wasn't tough to ascertain what was wrong with this picture: he had a hard-on. Not a full blown woodie, mind you, but his little buddy was definitely standing at attention. And the crazy thing? He had his towel over his shoulder! The guy's got an erection in the middle of a crowded gym, and rather than cover himself up, he stands there towel over shoulder, proud as a woodpecker with wood. Disgusted already, I didn't want to know why this was happening and had definitely no need to look further... I think I gave myself whiplash as I turned back to the mirror and forced the disturbing image out of my mind.

I may have stood there combing my hair a little longer than usual, but when I finally turned back towards the locker room he was gone. So I walked back through the locker room - time to get dressed. As I turn the corner to my locker, who do I see getting dressed but a mere three lockers from mine, but Erectionman. I kept my eyes focused on my locker as I walked by, though noticed that he had calmed down, if you know what I mean. So I started getting dressed, perhaps feeling a bit uncomfortable the entire time. No wait, not perhaps... definitely feeling uncomfortable. And the whole time I'm getting dressed, Erectionman keeps looking at me. And staring. I don't look up. I don't want to make eye contact. I don't want to know. I finished getting dressed and walked away.

As I was sitting by the smoothie bar waiting for Catherine, Erectionman walked by again. And a few minutes later, the fat naked guy walked in. And, lo and behold, crazy moaner guy. And the disturbing thing is that they all looked so normal when fully dressed.

Catherine finally came by. You're not going to believe what the women's locker room is like, she said animatedly with a hint of disgust. I swear half the boobs in there are silicon!

That's all you got - silicon boobs? Honey, let me tell you what happens in the men's locker room...