December 07, 2005

The Blimp

Evening Workout
55 minutes
Aerobic heart rate
Random Comments: Nope. Not tonight. Too tired.

I haven't been on a plane in over a week, so apparently my butt was suffering from airline seat withdrawal. Not wanting to deprive my derriere from experiencing its misguided form of happiness, I figured I oughta fly somewhere. So off I went to San Francisco for the day. Actually, I flew to San Jose for a new business meeting, but it's all just mere technicalities.

The San Jose airport is easy to fly in and out of because most people opt to deal with the aggravation of SFO. As opposed to it's massive neighbor, the San Jose airport is not much bigger than the previously mentioned Kalamazoo masterpiece. In fact, the flight I took to San Jose was on something just short of a model plane. I think it was hanging from a string in somebody's office right before they took it down for this flight. The aisle was built for anorexics. The seats were built for midgets. Even the stewardess was miniature. Hell, the interior of the plane is not much higher than 5 feet. It was like a flying version of "Being John Malkovich," and I was in seat 7 1/2.

But the flight from LAX to San Jose is so short and easy, I really don't mind it at all. As a result, when I walked on to the
plane and noticed somebody sitting in my seat, I happily opted to sit in their assigned seat - the window one row behind - rather than cause a fuss. Didn't make no never mind to me.

Little did I know, it would start to make a never mind pretty quickly. Right after I sit down, in walks the largest, heftiest woman I've ever seen in my life. I mean, this woman was bi-ig. Goodyear blimp big. She was so big they almost had the plane ride in her. She was so big... well, you get the idea.

And where does Lady Butterball sit? You guessed it, right next to me. Actually, Fatty McMuffin didn't sit next to me as much as she sat right on top of me. There aren't airline seats big enough to fit this woman's butt. We're talking a woman so big that she couldn't even keep the armrest separator down for fear it would get stuck up her ass. She was so big she needed one of those seatbelt extensions just to stay wrapped in. As for me? Well, I was crunched up onto the side of the plane like a squashed fly. My lips were kissing the window and my nose was all crunched to the side from the pressure of the push. All I could do to survive was grasp onto one of the folds
of her leg and hold on for dear life.

Somehow, though, I survived the flight.

My meeting went well and I headed back to the San Jose airport for my flight back to LAX. Well, unfortunately, I was 2 hours
early. Now, there's not much to do at the San Jose airport for 2 hours, so with visions of free cheese cubes and peanuts swirling through my head, I went into the American Airlines Admirals Club and paid the ridiculous fee to be a member for a year. As I said, there's not much to do at the San Jose airport for 2 hours. In the Admirals Club, there's still not much to do but at least you're not doing it in a much more comfortable chair. And as far as those cheese cubes and bowls of peanuts? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The crappy trail mix doesn't count.

Two hours flew by like a snail marathon, and it was time to board my plane. This time, no Fatty's sitting next to me. Fortunately. No random people stealing my seat. Thankfully. In front of me, though, was this woman who was yappin' on and on about herself. I mean, she wouldn't shut up. And clearly she was famous. She was talking about how she's on Leno tomorrow night, how she's being recognized all over the place and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. Shut the fuck up, wouldya? Frankly, I couldn't give a shit. I had no clue who she was and really didn't much care to know. Yet her lips were flapping something fierce the entire flight. And when we landed in LAX and took the shuttle bus to the terminal, she was still goin' on. This time she was right next to me, falling into me at every sudden stop. And yappin and flappin' and... Apparently everybody on the plane knew who she was but me. People were given' her the eye, and saying how much they loved her and all this nonesense. Me? I just wanted to get away from her mouth. I actually started having fond memories of my famously fat friend from that morning. At least she was friendly and somewhat quiet.

I checked online when I got home. It was Rachael Ray from the Food Network. I don't know her - never seen her show. But I've seen enough to know it's amazing she can find time to chew what with her lips flapping in the wind so much.

Traveling is always so much fun.