January 10, 2006

Lose Yourself

Morning Workout
1 hour 23 minutes
Heart Rate Zone: Aerobic (Zone 1) + Lactate Threshold (Zone 2)

Random Comments: I had a 6:30am conference call this morning, which means we didn't get out on the bikes until after 7am, which means there was a tremendous amount of commuter traffic when we rode, which means it was not only really dangerous out there but also really busy, which means our ride involved a lot of stopping and starting and going slow to avoid traffic, which means I didn't really stay within my heart rate zones at all, which means it didn't feel like a consistent ride, which means we didn't even get to the top of the main hill we were climbing, which means when I got back home I didn't feel like I had a good workout. And that just plain sucks.

"No more games, I'm gonna change what you call rage...
I was playing in the beginning, but the moods all changed.."

Things are changing in my life. I can feel it. I've felt it for a few months now. There is a whole transition - a metamorphisis. It's been lurking around the corner, peeking it's head out when I'm not looking. I couldn't quite make it out in the past, but I've felt its tentacles in me. And while my back has been turned, it has been bleeding into different parts of my life.

It is in my Ironman dreams - after years of wanting, I am finally doing. And the road to Ironman success is not just a physical challenge, it is a mental and emotional feat that encompasses all parts of my being. It hasn't taken full control of me yet, but I feel it grabbing on and pulling. It keeps pulling and pulling.

The change is in my personal life - I am in love with an amazing woman. For years I've been searching for my match, my other. I've been looking for the one person that fits so boldly into my life, who I can grow with and learn with and build a world around. Catherine may very well be that woman; that woman to help me turn my life into all that I have dreamed.

The transition is in my work - after ten years of building successful companies, I boldly decided to take a job working for somebody else. In the past year that I've been at this job, my role has been changed, my expectations have been quelled, my drive has been mitigated. My eyes have been opened to the realities of corporate life, the challenges of senior management and the obstacles I encounter on my path of growth. It may be time for me to move on. It may be time for me to search for a new path; a path that more clearly leads to growth and personal development.

I have to get up at 4am tomorrow morning for my 6am flight to St. Louis. I come back on Thursday night. Catherine and I are then spending the weekend in San Diego, where we'll be running the Carlsbad Half-Marathon on Sunday morning.

There will be a lot of thinking this weekend. Thinking and planning. Thinking about the headhunters that have been calling me for the past few months. Thinking about the friends at senior level jobs who have inquired about my desires to change positions. Planning for my next moves. Planning for my life.

By Tuesday of next week, things will begin to be dramatically different. I've made that commitment to myself. My life begins again on Tuesday. No more games -- I was playing in the beginning, but the moods all changed...