June 17, 2006

If You Can't Stand The Heat, Get Your Head Out Of The Oven

Morning Workout
78-ish miles
Heart Rate Zone: Lactate Threshold (Zone 2)

13.2153 miles, give or take a hundredth of a mile
Heart Rate Zone: Lactate Threshold (Zone 2)

Random Comments: It was a hundred and forty-five degrees outside during my workout today. I know.... I couldn't believe it either. People were dying from dehydration just by opening up their front doors. Squirrels were falling from the trees like snowflakes (except for snowflakes land daintily and these squirrels hit with a SPLATTT! and lay on the roadside like a rodent rendition of the Normandy invasion.) Even the rattlesnakes, the denizens of hellfire, couldn't handle the heat; they were slithering en masse out into the middle of the crowded roadway and committing suicide by Goodyear.

It was ugly.
Apocalyptic, one can even say.
In fact, I just did.

And through it all, I pedaled my bike and shuffled my feet for a good 7 hours of dehydrating pain. And when I say pain, I mean "really really tiring and very very hot". Dare I say, but today's workout may very well have been the most challenging training day I've had all year. And the irony of it all is that my body felt fine - no knee pain, no achilles pain, no calf pain, no upset stomach. OK, maybe that's not ironic, but it's good information to know anyway. And, sure, maybe it wasn't exactly a hunnerd forty five outside, but it damn sure felt like it. And maybe the squirrel fallings and snake suicide comments are a periwinkle short of the entire truth, but let me tell you, there were enough squished snakes and dismembered squirrels on the roadside to raise a few questions.

So anyway, it was really hot during my workout today.

Star Spotting Of The Day From Four Days Ago: Cameron Diaz

: American Airlines flight #3 from JFK to LAX, first class section

What She Was Doing
: I don't exactly know what she was doing, but I'll tell you what she was not doing, and that's eating a steak. She is so ridiculously, disgustingly thin, homegirl needs to EAT SOME FOOD - and a lot of it. I mean, somebody's gotta shove a few cheeseburgers down her face before she disintegrates - 0r ends up on the wrong side of a holocaust movie.

I've seen some funny things out on the road before, but this one's gotta take the cake.

I'm on my way back from my bike ride, somewhere around mile 65 and definitely not delirious. I know what I saw - there was no hallucinating. There's this bus stop in Malibu, right on the Pacific Coast Highway, that is somewhat in the middle of nowhere. The only things at the bus stop are a bench for people to sit on and a sign-post that I assume let's you know when the next bus is supposed to come by.

As I'm approaching this bus stop, I look up from my bike and see this Fabio looking guy standing there. Odd already, but it gets better. He's wearing nothing but a pair of jeans. No shirt, no shoes - no nothing. Just jeans. His body, as you can imagine, is chiseled like... well... like Fabio's. And this guy is leaning against the sign-post, with his arms crossed casually over his chest as if he were posing for a GQ photo. Keep in mind, this bus stop, as I mentioned, is in the middle of nowhere. There is absolutely nobody else around. But he's posing.

You've got to be kidding me, I thought as I got closer. Maybe this guy is a male prostitute and this is his proverbial corner where he picks up the wealthy, lonely Malibu-ettes. Interesting.

But that's not even the weird part of the story. You see, as I rode by this freak of a fella, I noticed a couple of things leaning against the bus stop bench; things that clearly belonged to him. When I saw them, I became baffled - and there were only two things. Just two things: a beach cruiser and a chainsaw.


What does somebody, much less this half-naked Fabio-looking fella, need in the middle of Malibu with a beach cruiser and a chainsaw. Beach cruiser I can understand.... but chainsaw?! Homeboy definitely ain't cutting down any forests looking like that. And while I'm at it, does he really carry the chainsaw when he's riding his beach cruiser? Isn't that dangerous? Can't you, like, lose an arm or something? Hell, I nearly fall when I reach down to grab a water bottle - and that's not even a deadly weapon.

As I saw the items, I took another quick look at Fabio in disbelief. He gave me a smirk.
I don't really need a smirk from this chap.

Needless to say, I kept on riding.