September 29, 2006

I'm THAT Guy

I was riding my bike up a hill last Wednesday when a guy passed me like I was going backwards. I didn't get a good look at him but I'm pretty sure I'd never seen him before and haven't seen him since. All I know is that he was tall and went by in a blur. That's what I'd tell the cops if they asked me to ID him. He was tall, I'd say, and kinda blurry.

When I got to the top, huffing and puffing and a few heartbeats short of cardiac arrest, I turned around and coasted back down. Though he was standing there waiting for his friends, not a word was said, nary a glance. It's that type of hill.

Fast forward to this morning and picture me running. I really wanted to have a great run and I'd say it started off pretty good for about the first twenty steps or so. Maybe even thirty steps. It was definitely no more than forty steps cause it was about that time my right calf started feeling really tight. So I stopped and stretched. Soon thereafter, my left knee started hurting, so I slowed down. About three miles into the run, I was creeping along at a pace one would associate with a four-wheeled walker when a guy ran by me like I was standing still. Which, for the record, I wasn't, thank you very much.

I nearly caught up to him at the red light, but it turned green and he was off again. About a hundred meters later, he looked back at me and started slowing down in that way that made it very clear he was waiting for me. Why is this guy waiting for me? I thought to myself as I picked up the pace to catch him. Finally I reached his side as I tried desperately to conceal my wheezing and panting.

You were biking up Mandeville last Wednesday, weren't you? he asked. I looked over at him with a surprised gaze... he was a very tall guy, definitely looked kinda blurry when he passed me by a few minutes ago. Hmmm... How the hell did he recognize me?!

Yes I was, I replied. That was you that blew by me like I was standing still, wasn't it? I said fairly incredulously.

Clearly not wanting to humiliate me, he ignored the question. I remembered it was you, he continued, because you look just like this other guy I know.

And therein lies the story of my life. Apparently I have the most generic face in the world. There might as well be a barcode on my forehead, right under a tattoo that says "Generic Face". Seriously, you wouldn't believe how many people regularly ask me, haven't we met somewhere before?

I hate to break the news to you, but the answer is No, we haven't. So you can stop trying to rack your brain 'cause, honestly, your just starting to look a bit foolish.

I've been mistaken for Joe Nobody from East Bumblefuck and Joe Superstar from the pages of the National Enquirer. I've been mistaken for Brad Pitt, Beck and that guy from ThirtySomething. I'd have to say the worst is David Spade, which I get far too much. He's just flat out ugly. The best is probably Mikhail Baryshnikov, which I get far too little. He's manly and sensual and chicks dig him.

One time I was out at a club and a couple of tourists were convinced that I was some guy from the TV show Wings. I'm definitely not that guy. In fact, I've never even seen the show though I've been told that I look a lot like him.

I'm not that guy, I told them. But they didn't believe me. They insisted I was that guy as they handed me a pen and paper to sign. Really, I said with all the seriousness I could muster, I'm definitely not that guy! But they refused to give up and thrust their pens with greater fury. What's a guy to do? So I gave them an autograph in a scratchy, illegible manner. After all, I didn't want to give the real guy a bad name and, at the very least, these little tourist ladies could go home to Bumfuck, Idaho and brag to their friends that they met That Guy from Wings, even if he's got crappy handwriting.

So if you've ever wondered whether you've seen me or if we know each other, the answer is yes. Of course we do. I'm that guy. You know, the one that looks like everybody.


stronger said...

I know three guys just like you. Someone got lazy when they were handing out faces.

jbmmommy said...

I always get that I look like a distant cousin, or an ex-neighbor. Generic face, I guess. It's better than being significantly uglier than anyone else walking around, so I take it.

triathlonmom said...

poor guy!