October 13, 2005

Warm and Fuzzy and All That Crap

I can speak my mind when I type. Or, rather, I can write my mind when I type. When my fingers are on the keyboard, the thoughts and feelings just flow and, without even thinking, I feel comfortable laying it all on the line; telling you all of my inner-most secrets and fears and longings and being all warm and fuzzy and open and all that crap. When I speak face-to-face, though.... well, that's another story. Like many other guys, I apparently have a toll booth lodged in my throat and, though the words might be deep down there somewhere, they clearly don't want to pay the toll that opens them to up to the spoken world. It's tough for me to speak, plain and simple. But the fingers...oh, the fingers seem to be the emotional epicenter of my life. They've got a mind of their own.

You can probably imagine how this could cause problems, say, in a new relationship. As a for instance, let's say hypothetically that I'm having a tough time expressing my thoughts to a new girlfriend. But then, continuing with this hypothetical situation, let's say that the next day said girlfriend logs on to a website and sees all of my thoughts plainly laid out there in black and white, as clear as the day is long, for everybody to see. What would such a girlfriend think (hypothetically, of course)? One would probably assume that she wouldn't be so happy. In fact, one would probably assume that it would make the relationship a bit more difficult. When two people are just getting to know each other, but one person has to learn about the other by reading a website, well, I suppose that could just cause a whole assortment of problems. A plethora, if you will. A perplexing plethora of problems. (Ooh, that's fun to say!)

So we've got this hypothetical situation, which we all agree is a one way ticket to Breakup Boulevard. Understanding that, we've also got the real situation, which is me in a new relationship, typing my life on a website for everybody to read. The fact is, in order for these bloggered meanderings to be interesting reading for anybody, including me, I've got to be as open and honest about my life as possible. I've got to lay it on the line. You know, tell it like it is. If I'm having problems, I need to talk about the problems and the people that are pissing me off. Which brings us right around to the conversation I had with the girlfriend the other night about me being open with her and letting her know my feelings before she reads them on a website. Truth be told, I'm kind of scared about that because oftentimes I'm not in touch with my feelings until I write them down. I promise to give it my best shot though. I'm trying to speak. I'm trying to get that toll booth removed. (How come I feel like a male version of Sarah Jessica Parker's character on Sex & The City? You know, where at the end of the episode she always types in her article and it's got some sort of deep, thought provoking, contemplation on morality. I feel kinda like that, without the morality part. Maybe not so much on the thought-provoking aspect either. In fact, never mind.)

Catherine convinced me to go swimming this morning. Though I love having swum, I really dislike the act of waking up early, having to drive somewhere, then jump in a cold pool to swim. It's not fun for me. I have to really force myself to go swimming in the mornings. So, needless to say, this morning I wasn't all eager to go to the pool. To the contrary, I was looking for any excuse not to swim. But I decided to go with Catherine and workout together. The whole drive to the pool was filled with dread in my mind. I was fairly quiet and borderline cranky. But then, as we were walking towards the pool, I got the whiff of chlorine in the air and the sight of all the swimmers gracefully careening in their lanes, and the light pitter-patter of splashing as hands glided into the water with each stroke, and I have to say, I became pretty darn excited. There is something majestic about an early morning swim. Swimming in a beautiful pool as the sun rises above you creates a sense of peace that almost overshadows the pain of the strenuous workout. It doesn't completely overshadow the pain, mind you. It's very tough to overshadow the pain. There's a lot of pain and it's got a really big shadow that's hard to get over, but it sure is nice nonetheless.

So we had a very exhilirating, but very hard workout together. Lots of 25m and 50m sprints. I lost count. I'm really not good with the counting when in a pool. My mind wanders. Tough to remember things like numbers. I'm a bit of a faster swimmer than Catherine but, pound for pound, she's probably a bit stronger than me. I reckon that she'll be kicking my ass in the water within the coming months. Good for her.

We head off to Kona tomorrow afternoon. The Hawaii Ironman is on Saturday. I so very much can't wait to see it (please see the previous ramblings for more info about that). I'll let you know how it goes.

OK, time to pack my bags. Oh, look, I didn't even tell you about the conversation I had with Cat last night about her questioning whether she should race Ironman USA. And I didn't get into the stress I'm feeling at work.

There's just so much to say....