Sign My Tushy Petition

Today in America athletes across the country are being tortured. We are forced to race in unsavory conditions. We are commanded to relieve ourselves in unnatural environments that breed disease and discomfort. We are plagued with itchy bottoms and rash-laden undersides. We must put an end to this.

You know what I'm talking about people - I'm talking about 1-ply toilet paper.

Countless Port-a-Potties at thousands of races across the country are stocked with millions of these useless rolls of flimsy fabric. These despicable spools of sandpaper. We are forced to towel our tushies with this trash. To scrape our backsides to smithereens. To give ourselves a faux cleaning and pretend it feels fine.

And then to compete with that post 1-ply feeling?! To run? To bike with a tortured tussy?

We must stand up to this persecution. We must fight together. We must not take this any longer!!

The suffering of the athletes asses must come to an end! Our butts have had enough!

Help us stop this barbaric trade of 1-ply toilet tissue. Please sign the below petition and help set our tushies free.

We the undersigned petition that race directors and port-a-john providers ban the use of 1-ply toilet tissue. We demand that paper product companies cease production of all 1-ply tissue effective immediately. We demand comfort. Our asses can't take one more wipe.

Live 2-ply or die!

Who's with me?!

sign your name on the x:

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